


Ocelot's bad day

by SailorStarDust1



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alert sound effect, April Fools' Day, Crack, Gen, request fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorStarDust1/pseuds/SailorStarDust1
Summary: A rather silly requested crack fic from an old friend.The request in question? "Man-sized eagles keep swooping down and abducting Ocelot."





	

It was—thankfully—another quiet day on Mother Base within the Seychelles.

Considering the beautiful weather, Ocelot took it upon himself to get in a little extra training with DD. John and Quiet having deployed while Miller was cooped up in his office meant there wasn't much else to do.

New recruits from the past week were easily adjusting to their newfound roles, while the more experienced Diamond Dog members showed them the ropes—be it simple tasks like Mess Hell duty, or the finer points of weapons R & D.

The slow-lapping ocean waves, salty sea mist picked up by the gentle breeze, and warm sunshine made the perfect conditions for a day of training on the command center platform. At least Diamond Dogs' Tactical Instructor didn't have a reason to get bored anytime soon.

Ocelot was in the middle of trying to perfect DD's backwards 360 loop-de-loop maneuver—Man, that good boy could leap high!—when suddenly, _it_ began.

Screeching in the distance—which, initially, Adam paid no mind. Just some shore birds ready to perch high atop their base, most likely.

DD sniffed around after his paws made contact with the concrete, head cocked to the side at the sudden noises. The wolf-dog's hair stood on end as he let out a low growl.

Ocelot blinked, scratching the back of his head. "Now, now. Don't pay those ol' buzzards any mind, bo— _Whoooa_!"

Famous last words as Ocelot found himself lifted high into the air, sharp talons digging roughly into his heavy trench coat.

"What the f—"

Abrupt disorientation with his unsettled stomach from the viewing sparkling seas below, Ocelot glanced at his tormentor above.

Which was worse: that it was a man-sized eagle? Or that Adam was 5 seconds away from hurling all over the pristine decks below?

A familiar whistle caused the still-growling wolf to settle down, happily slobbering away at the woman who bent down to pet DD.

Quiet looked up...And desperately tried not to laugh at the scene, as fingerless gloved hands covered her mouth.

Intestinal distress calming as his body adjusted to the height (picturing John wearing nothing but his Naked Camo helped), Adam groaned. Loudly.

The eagle let out a shriek as it began circling around the perimeter.

Mocking him.

"That's nice you find this amusing Quiet darlin', but a little help?"

"Heh...!"

The woman's held-back laughter _really_ wasn't helping!

Struggling through the fierce grip of the talons, Ocelot attempted shrugging out of his trench coat every which way, grunting all the while.

Well, damn.

Maybe...she could catch him?

"I'd mighty appreciate it just about now!"

Parasites manifesting in dark butterfly splotches against her eyes, Quiet steadied her sniper rifle before firing with ease.

The eagle cried out from the direct hit on its talons, letting go of that still-struggling wildcat.

Shrieking, Ocelot and his trench coat alike came tumbling down. His coat hit the water with a _splash_ , Adam silently mourning the loss despite plummeting towards Mother Base below.

"Aw, Hell! Not my coooooat!"

"Hm?" Quiet blinked, catching the man whose heart raced from the adrenaline rush.

Nodding with appreciation as their eyes locked, Ocelot shakily rose to his feet.

"I should thank you."

Quiet merely shook her head, body still on alert despite her unwavering, amused, smirk.

"Whew! Now that was peculiar." Ocelot frowned and double checked his Tornado-6s to—

" _Whooooa_!"

A second eagle picked that exact moment to make its presence known, hastily lifting Ocelot off Mother Base—as if ready to chuck the cowboy into the sun itself.

Her eyes twitching, Quiet raised her rifle before sighing loudly. She stepped over Adamska's dropped revolvers, ready to fire.

Again.

Today was going to be a looong day.

* * *

Single leg propped up against his office desk, Kazuhira "McDonnell Benedict Hell Master" Miller cradled the phone against his left shoulder. With obvious stifled laughter, he glanced out the window, through the crack of his blinds. He then took a careful sip from his mug of still hot coffee. It was best to ignore Ocelot's faint (but hilarious, in Miller's view) screams mixed with Big Boss's distant cries of "Rocket Puuunch!"

It'd take more than the legendary soldier and Snake's not-so (in Miller's view) lovely assistant to call _those_ beasts off.

The rather tired XO couldn't help but crack a genuine smile.

"Yes, everything was executed exactly as planned. Snake won't ever find out about this incident. It'll be kept strictly between us. I understand completely...Mr. Future President."

Miller's held back tittering gave way to pure, maniacal, laughter as the office phone returned to its hook. Kazuhira ignored his spilled coffee from the sheer force of his abrupt laughter heard throughout his section of Diamond Dogs—nearby stationed recruits slowly backing away.


End file.
